Thursday, 6 December 2018


What is ghosting?

Ghosting is a term used commonly when you are ignored blatantly through social media by somebody you have previously had a meaningful connection with. If somebody has been ignoring your messages despite being online, that's ghosting. If somebody has suddenly blocked/unfriended/unfollowed you on social media, that's ghosting. This can hurt a lot when it's done by somebody you were previously close to or were seeing romantically.

Dictionary definition: "...the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication."

Urban Dictionary definition: "When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice beforehand. You'll mostly see them avoiding friend's phone calls, social media, and avoiding them in public."

No closure

Psychology Today: ""closure is knowing the reason a romantic relationship was terminated and no longer feeling emotional attachment or pain, thereby allowing for the establishment of new and healthy relationships."

Perhaps the worst thing about ghosting is the lack of closure that it generates for a lost connection. You are being ignored and cut off but often you will have no idea why. When we are trying to move on from a lost connection, often the starting point which we need is closure. We need to know why things didn't work out so that we can accept and move on. When someone is ghosting their former partner, they know the reasons why it's not working out in their eyes, and they are using ghosting as a way to move on from the relationship (albeit a shitty way). However, when you are being ghosted despite believing that everything was going great, it is jarring and you are thrust from knowing where you stand in a secure romantic attachment to being completely cut off from the person you were sure you were close to.

Was it something I said?

When we don't have closure as to why a connection failed, often we can look inwards to find the reason why. If you were not aware that things weren't working out, the chances are that you completely and utterly admired the 'ghoster' previous to the ghosting, and you will find it hard to find them at fault for why things didn't work out. All these unanswered questions can lead to self-blaming.

Did I do something wrong?
Did I make them feel like it wasn't working out?
Did I say something to hurt them?
Was I not good enough?

When you have no idea why things didn't work out, it's easier than ever to blame yourself and see the breakup as 'just another personal failure'. If the 'ghoster' had just opened up and explained the reasons why things were not working out, then you wouldn't have to jump to blaming yourself and you could move on knowing why.

Am I annoying/pestering you?

How do you react to being ghosted? Do you also step back and accept that things obviously weren't working out? Or do you do one of the following?

Try to pull closer to the 'ghoster' and compensate for the lack of interaction by messaging/texting more.
Ask 'why', repeatedly.
Ask if all your extra unreplied to messages are annoying.
Apologise profusely about all those messages and chalk it up to having a bad day/PMSing.
All of the above? (Same!)

It's a vicious cycle. It's a combination of being ignored and blaming yourself. You can feel like you are driving them away further by annoying them and bombarding them with messages. Then you blame yourself by feeling like you are annoying them while they ignore the messages more and more and more.

What can we 'ghostees' do differently?

Honestly? Let's call them out on their bullshit. It's okay to still care about them (since the whole no closure thing) but 'ghosters' should know how much their actions hurt and how they are preventing their 'ghostees' from moving on. Too long I have looked back and regretted not telling the people who have ghosted me how much they have hurt me and how much they have knocked my trust in relationships. I am always scared that as soon as I get close to someone, they will suddenly act as though I do not exist. So, I have vowed to call 'ghosters' out on their shit so that they think twice before doing it again to somebody else.

In summary, ghosting is terrible and we shouldn't put up with it as 'just a part of dating life'! Also, we should make a conscious attempt to never ghost any of our partners (it works both ways) and always ensure that we communicate about our issues and about what is not working well in our relationships. We need more openness and to be able to raise issues and concerns without it becoming an argument! Communication is key!


Photo by zhang kaiyv on Unsplash

Monday, 3 December 2018


I am trying to get healthier and, unlike my previous health kicks, I am doing this gradually and taking smaller and more sustainable steps towards this. I used to go from never working out to attempting to work out every day and by the end of the month I would have fallen off track and given up. Instead of this, I am not trying to work out loads every week, completely change my diet and drop loads of weight immediately. Instead, I am making baby steps and combatting my unhealthy habits one by one.

Food

I am not eating less, I am just substituting certain foods. I have already cut down on most dairy and I am already a vegetarian so I will be carrying on with this. I am going to try to home cook meals more as I tend to be lazy after uni and pick up a meal deal or just eat out! I also want to incorporate more protein into my diet because I haven't really paid attention to my protein intake since going veggie (years ago) and I really should start! I am not going to stop myself from eating unhealthy foods altogether, but I'm going to try to have more balance because I tend to eat a lot of unhealthy foods and don't really pay attention to what I am eating. I am also the biggest stress/boredom eater ever and I'm trying to be more mindful of when I'm about to binge so that I can stop myself or find a healthy alternative.

Exercise

I already walk everywhere since I don't drive. But, I want to do more. I walk out of necessity to university and back every day but I want to do more walking outside of this. I have started to walk to my local parks, and then having a jog around the parks before walking home. This gives me more time outdoors and more me-time. I also joined a gym for the first time in my life and I am loving it! I go whenever I can (so not a massive amount at the moment) and I love how my body feels after a workout!

Sleep

I'm not exactly going to bed early yet, but I'm going to bed earlier that I was. Ish. Okay, I'm working on it! When I don't have friends over, I aim to go to bed before midnight and I actually have a bedtime routine set. I light a bit of lavender incense, I remove my makeup and do my whole skincare routine, then I pop on some relaxing music that reminds me of my hometown and I pretty much drift off to sleep straight away since my days have been busy and I am always tired!

Brain

This one's a bit more difficult than the others but I'm trying my best to improve my mood. By that, I mean to keep it regulated and try to cope with uni better. Firstly, I'm trying to get more consistent with taking my medication for low mood and anxiety. You would think that after a year I would be better at this but you would be wrong! I am keeping track with a lil tickbox at the end of my daily bullet journal page and I've set about 12 reminders on my phone telling me to take my meds, so that should work. I'm also staying single for a while, which should drastically improve my mental health after the past few months! Finally, I'm spending more time with the people closest to me here in Manchester, which has improved my mood so much since I was beginning to feel isolated and lonely!

What small changes are you making to benefit your wellbeing? x

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